This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Bartending is legitimate work too. If you bring consoling up, will he go? Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. Its fine. I worry about things constantly. The part about staying on the same team is so, so key, and I hope the OPs husband approaches this as thoughtfully as you have. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. Has heever done this before with other people inhis life? Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) They just find more things to get worried about. arent at all limited to Vegas. apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). We walk through various casinos and gawk. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Yes, marriage counselling. Thats an unreasonable stance. Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. This is bound to make them curious and excited. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. Good luck! Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. My boyfriend used to freak out every time I had to travel for work. Does he realize people, like, live in Las Vegas and have perfectly normal lives? Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. A decade? My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. In fact, it has been a trying fifteen . I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I have no idea. Ive been to Vegas a couple of times and saw a ton of business conferences and expos going on. Why wont he go on the trip with you? Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. Food! They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! They dont have to go out of town to do it. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). If he refuses to go, go alone. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. I agree with the counseling suggestion. even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. Good luck, Emma. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). He asks that I check in with him once or twice a day for hi-and-I-love-you. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. (Im glad to report that years later she is completely reasonable and sensible about these things and I love her dearly!). Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Same with mine. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. Dont! Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. Cuz he was awesome.). Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. <3. I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. I do know some people (who have never been to Vegas!) Right. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. Never! Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. You deserveit! I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. It is a huge trust issue. My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. Exactly. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. Look at it again. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. Your husband has insane insecurity issues. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. I was also married to this man. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. What the hell? My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). Hmm. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. She acted like she wasnt married. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. My husband has been for business conferences. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. Yes!! Fortunately, he wouldnt even ask because, (1) jeez, who needs survey results to help you navigate your marriage? Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). At night, the most fun people have is maybe a different ink at a nearby bar otherwise theyre too tired and ttying to get their shit together for the next day ir for tomorrows flight. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Im sorry, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if you dont think theres anything unwholesome about prostitution (direct quote) I think you may be a cultural outlier. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. Normal For Husband to Vacation Without Me? - FatherResource Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. Ive been to Vegas. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. M.M. Clearly youve been abducted. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. Co-worker had a wonderful time. Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. You can make decisions for yourself! Im in the same boat as the OP. Why do you feel this way?. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. You just cant. They can also get into trouble in their own hometown. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. Main Menu There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? So theyre officially still working there. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. But it is a common business trip destination for the reasons others have noted and certainly poses no danger to anyone with common sense. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. You have a good day and thank you. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. When one leaves, its done! Scheduled calls keep him more relaxed. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. I went just this month with my husband. In the end, she chose her career and her child (who was 4 years old then) over her husband, because she eventually realized that this behavior was not normal, and was not a reflection on her. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). And no matter what, go on the trip. Spouses dont LET. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. This is a great comment. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. are there other situations that cause your husband this level of anxiety? He doesnt have friends. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. Him: I ignored it. rarely cede ground. The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. And the shopping! And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. If my partner acted like he thought he got a vote on whether I was allowed to do things, especially things relating to my career, Id laugh him out of the relationship so fast hed get whiplash. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. Forbidding is a different story). This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. is a really good sign! Yes, this. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. I dont gamble much. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Maybe Im wrong. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. Dont get hit by a car!! His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. (The sales guy told her, its just like any other dance show, but at half the price and without the headdress! I recognized the name and tried to talk her out of it, but she believed the sales guy over me.) Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. Go on your trip! Its not just a place to go party. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. Keith Zlomsowitch Net Worth, Sunset Court Apartments Brookings Or, Modell's Sporting Goods Ceo Net Worth, Mitchell College Mascot, Articles H
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